I'm Ok With Being In Love With You Forever: A Confession
So here it is. This is everything I’ve wanted to say to you for the past few years I’ve known you.
From the moment you walked up to me, I could see that you were the most beautiful person. Then, I had no clue of how you would awaken a new part of me. I thought I was joking when I blurted out “you are so damn pretty”, but looking back, I realize I definitely was not joking. Soon after that, you started hanging out with me and my friends. I loved every second of it. You were the most charismatic person.
I realized very quickly what my deal was. I had a huge crush on you. I had always crushed on boys and the realization that I had a crush on you really freaked me out. On walks, I would talk to myself, trying to figure out this straight vs bisexual thing. I hadn’t ever really thought about liking girls because even though my family is very open and supportive, we never really talked about LGBTQ matters and I felt pretty clueless and confused that I had suddenly started liking a girl. I had noticed one thing though - having these feelings for you felt right. You turned our entire friend group's dynamic upside down almost instantly. I felt safe exploring bisexuality and pansexuality and talking to our friends about it because they had also had that switch suddenly turned on. I did research online about bisexuality and pansexuality and after weeks of trying to figure this out, I came to the conclusion that I’m pansexual. I didn’t tell anyone for a little while, and then slowly told friends and family. I don’t think you’d realize that you awakened that piece of me unless I tell you. You challenged my every thought on sexuality (because living in Texas for half your life can and will confuse you) and on gender-conformity. You made femininity and masculinity work together effortlessly and it made you even more interesting to me.
You taught me so much in that first year about myself.
And also, I love you.
I realized this a few months ago. I had been thinking about you because my mom had asked me if anything sexual was going on between us. I laughed it off, but as I got to thinking - I just had this moment of hoooooly shit. If I could, I would spend the rest of my life with you, and that makes me sad. You said something a while back that spurred that sadness - “You wouldn’t want to date your friends”. You went on talking, but that sentence stuck in my mind the rest of the way home. I began to doubt everything. She doesn’t like you that way, I kept telling myself. Was that your beautifully gentle way of telling me that this wouldn’t happen? You weren’t so flirty with me for a while after that. You weren’t cuddling me when you slept over, no more hand grabbing, intense looks. Had you somehow found me out?
I just wanted to tell you how I felt. I’ve wanted to confess to you in real life. I’ve almost done it a few times. But for my sake and everyone else’s, I don’t. I can’t do that to our relationship or theirs.
You have these special little quirks that come with that spectacular brain of yours. The way your voice changes when we say something at the same time, the face you make when the music is just too good...
You are one of the most intelligent people I know. You make me strive to learn more and to chase knowledge. You are so funny and confusing, and I’m honored you call me your friend, and I count you as one of my very best friends. I constantly wonder, how did this happen to me? How did I get stuck in this? Usually, these thoughts come along when we’re in the same bed, trying to go to sleep. There’s nothing more I want to do during those thoughts than to snuggle up to you. I am so glad you are my first love. You are the most gentle, strong and kind person I’ve met.
I wonder what will happen with us in the future. Will you love me back? Do you love me? We say I love you all the time, but do you mean it in the way I do? Nothing is ever certain, and I hope that one day we find the love we’re constantly looking for. I want to say thank you. You’ve done so much for me. You’ve let me vent, you’ve let me cry, you’ve helped me with how I perceive my body, you’ve been so good to me. One of my coworkers told me, “You never quite get over your first love.” I agree with him, and you know what?
I am fine with you having a piece of my heart forever. You make it so worth it.
Artwork by Casey Meyers